I'm Out of Control
Life has been a little tricky lately. I mean, on paper it seems pretty good. I'm working for some really awesome people, I'm really plugged into my church, and I've got an amazing group of friends surrounding me, supporting me, and dreaming with me. And yet, for some reason, I feel so unsettled. It's been like this for a while now. I'm normally a very content individual; It takes a lot to rattle me. However, I can't seem to shake this feeling that I'm currently sitting on the sidelines of life. Probably because It feels like life is moving along faster for everyone around me. More specifically, it seems that everyone is getting married except for me.
I have a lot of dreams, a lot of things I want to accomplish early on in my life, and finding my "person" is one of them. The older I get the more aware I become that I'm no where near making that a reality. But it wasn't until very recently I realized- it's my own fault.
Here's the thing, marriage is always at the top of my prayer requests. Of course, like most girls, I have a check list of my dream boy and I used to pray that this perfect person would just fall into my lap. I would pray and pray and pray and try to figure out why nothing was changing. Then all of a sudden - I had a light bulb go off in my head. I'm asking God for this gift but my hands are too full to recieve it.
I've been too busy occupying my time, my energy, and my heart with someone who isn't the one, that I wouldn't even notice "the one" if he walked up to me with a flashing neon sign.
There's this illustration that I grew up seeing all the time. It's a picture of this little girl with a teddy bear in her arms. Across from her is Jesus. He's asking the little girl to hand over the stuffed animal but she's clinging so tight because she wants to keep it for herself; She doesn't want to be left empty-handed. But we can see something the little girl can't - Jesus has a giant, life sized teddy bear behind His back ready to give to this girl in exchange for her average, mediocre toy, if she's willing.
Sound familiar? I've had a death grip on this thing, this mediocre relationship because I don't want to be left empty-handed. I haven't been willing to admit, and submit, to the idea that there's something better, and more fruitful, out there for me if only I would loosen my grip. If I had trusted God from the very beginning - who knows where I would be. I'm holding up my own blessings because I don't want to give up control of the situation.
Doesn't that just speak volumes about our human nature though? I have become the poster child for pride and selfishness - thinking I can figure it all out on my own because I don't trust Jesus enough to take care of my needs and wants. The irony is that I sit in church every Sunday and listen to sermons about how God has a plan and purpose for my life. But it took me almost 4 years and way too many tears to let those words take root in me.. until now.
Now I recognize that I'm in the waiting season. And now I can be thankful for this waiting season. I'm shaking off the emotional baggage that I've piled on myself. I'm learning what it means to trust God's timing and not try to make things happen in my own time. I'm learning that being out of control might be a great thing.